Resolved, Once Again

For many years, I wrote New Year’s resolutions. I usually picked a few and encouraged others to do the same. It was never about perfection. It was for fun to see how much progess was made throughout the year. When I fell into my darkness a couple years ago, resolutions were one of the first things to go. What was the point in making resolutions when my life was such a mess? Looking back now, it probably would have been the BEST time to set small goals. Little reminders to put me back on the track to being myself. Either way, I’m here now and ready to announce some New Year’s resolutions.

365 days of Gratitude

As I wrote about before, I am going to take a picture each day that represents my gratitude. These little visual reminders are a great way to bring myself back to present. It also gives the state of mind of appreciation rather than comparing to what I don’t have. I learned the very hard way in the last couple years comparison is the thief of joy. This daily reminder brings me back to enjoy the small (and large) wonderful things happening around every day.

Reduce Shame/Less Negative Self Talk

In 2020, I immersed myself in all things self help. It pretty much saved my soul. Brene Brown was one of my super stars. While I had watched her Ted Talk in past years and read inspirational quotes, I hadn’t really listened to her research into shame. After podcasts, a Netflix show, and reading her books, I have a grasp of the harm shame can do. The difference between shame and guilt she states is — guilt is when you do bad, shame is when you believe you are bad. What a mind blower! How often was I telling myself I am a bad person? Brene talks about how shame haunts us and the terrible reprecussions it can have. Our immediate feeling of being small and wanting to hide. And the only way shame survives is a person staying silent and alone.

My goal is be conscious when I’m sucked into shame and to address head on. I am going to challenge myself to admit my shame, accept it, and shine a light on it by sharing my feelings. I want to irradicate its power over me by not trying to hide from it. Hopefully this will encourage others to do the same and so we all won’t have to feel so alone.

Focus on Skin Care

This may seem very superficial to most, but for me it’s about investing time in myself. Skin care is a ritual for people who do it. Before, I used to be more diligent about washing my face at night, applying creams, and exfoliating my lips. While you may be giggling at this idea, let me explain what it represents. When I do my skin regimen, I spend several minutes looking directly at myself in the mirror. As I rub the cleanser or moisturizing cream, my silent thoughts swirl as I make eye contact with myself. In those moments, I am quietly telling myself I am worth the effort. Honestly, I never realized it until I stopped. So much time went by where looking in the mirror meant cursing the large bag under my eyes or being disgusted at the breakouts. One night, when I focused on being present in the practice, I unlocked what a treasure it could be when I tell myself I am worth it.

Eat the Frog

In the corporate world, there is a book about not procrasinating called “Eat the Frog.” It talks about don’t avoid things you don’t want to do, just get them over with. I’ve always thought that’s nice in theory, but if you procrastinate maybe fucking frog with jump away and disappear. When I listened to the podcast Motivational Mentor, he said when the thought “I don’t want to do…” pops into his head, he jumps right up and does it. He explains this reduces the fear in doing things and builds confidence. Eckart Tolle says kind of the same thing when he speaks about worry being wasted energy. His advice is don’t worry about a problem. Instead, when the problem arrives address it.

My go-to thinking is “I’ll take care of that later” and then chastize myself for not doing it earlier. I’m putting this on the list to conserve my energy for more positive things. This year, I’m going to eat the frog quickly and hop to the next thing. (See what I did there? Ha!)

Go With My Gut

You know all those times you said, “I knew I should have done that!” Well, I’m sick of saying that. From now on, I’m going with my gut. This doesn’t mean acting on any thought that pops into my head. In fact, it’s more going with the thoughts I know are right but talk myself out of with excuses. In the last few weeks, I’ve given it a test run. When I start waffling on a decision, I go with what my first thought. Surprise, surprise, they were the right decisions. The other half of this is forgiving myself quickly if they aren’t the right decisions. Instead of berating myself for being stupid, the gut and I are going to learn from the failure and move on.

There we have it! Five resolutions to keep me busy this year. As I’ve said MANY times before, they are not about perfection. If we did them perfect, why did we choose them as resolutions? This is merely about being resolved. Definition: firmly determined to do something. There’s nothing in that definition about doing it perfect or every day. It’s only about your determination.

The most imporant part about setting any goal is you are doing it for you. You are commiting to yourself that you are worth the time and effort. It’s so much more than checking off a list of to-dos. This is truly about self-love. So when you are setting your resolutions, think about them being a love list to yourself. Then as you do them during the year, you’ll have little reminders about how worthy and loved you are.

How Do You Start a Dream?

Two years ago when I told people I was quitting my stable corporate job to risk everything to open a bakery, most people exclaimed shock. Then envy. “You’re so brave” and “I wish I could do that” were regular responses. They talked to me as if I had unveiled some superpower only an elite few were blessed. It shouldn’t have surprised me. In my role as a supervisor, I regularly talked with people about their hopes and dreams while they worked their paycheck job as a call center specialist. None ever said they had wished that career as a child. All said they only did it for the money as they waited for something better. The surprising part was when I asked everyone, “If money were no object, what would you do?” I rarely got an answer. Instead, they said “I don’t know.”

When I was 7, I knew exactly what I wanted to do when I grew up. I wanted to be a secretary or a waitress. On the weekends, when waiting for my dad at his medical supply store, I would punch all the buttons on the phone and put myself on hold on every line. At my parents’ parties, I would pass around appetizers and take drink orders with a beaming smile. I loved when someone complimented “What a good little waitress you are.” It was the beginning stages of identifying something I wanted and doing it.

I got older and my interests changed. I dreamed about being working in the music industry. I applied for an internship with Capitol Records freshmen year of college even though I faced a three hour round trip commute and had no car. Luckily, they didn’t offer it to me. I settled working security at concerts and bumming rides from my dormmates who I convinced to get the same job. There were no excuses of why it wasn’t practical to work around the music I loved. I didn’t really even give two thoughts about the barriers, I kepting working towards the goal.

When it was time to get serious about a college major, I picked the only one I thought I could pass, Creative Writing. It’s probably because I had been writing short stories since first grade and loved the magic in creating. Even though everyone told me there was no future in writing, I thought having a degree was better than not having a degree. Graduation came and that’s when the real world slapped all those writing dreams right out of my mind. Everyone said I needed to focus on paying rent, getting married, and having a family. Dreams and adventures were things children chased and I worked desperately hard to act like an adult. While I knew my heart craved creativity and leadership, I chose a job in banking. I laugh now thinking I could ever pull that off. My first warning should’ve been when I could never balance my money drawer as a teller. I moved from banking to an even worse fate, insurance. And there I stayed for the next twenty years of my life. I tried different types of insurance, but they are all the same. While there were great things about some of those jobs (and terrible things too), it just didn’t fit. I had imagined a big life of excitement, creativity, possiblity, and inspiration. But there I was doing the expected in an industry everyone hated.

It was a dream to own a business. I dabbled in party planning for a couple years on the side of “my real job.” I revisited becoming that writer from so many years ago. Those worries popped back up to reminded me it was crazy to think I could take such a risk to even consider it as a career. Now I had a family, a mortgage, and a retirement to consider. Another list of reasons I shoudn’t try something daring because there was too much to lose.

I always dreamed of cutting a red ribbon with giant scissors.

Then my life turned upside down. My once satisfying insurance job turned into a hostile work environment. My husband divorced me and stability left with him. There were no commas in my bank account. What had all those years of playing it safe gotten me? I thought following the rules was supposed to stop uncertainty from blowing up my perfect world.

When the thought about following my dream crossed my mind, doubt came right in with it. What did I really know about starting a small business? I didn’t have any money or investors. There was no safety net if I fell from that high of a ledge. The fears and reasons not to do it were a million miles long. However, after asking so many people why didn’t they chase their dreams, what a hypocrite I was for saying I couldn’t chase mine.

Now on the other side of taking a leap, I can tell you this with certainty. The answer to how you start a dream is easy — you just have to do it. There’s no other way around it. You believe in yourself and commit to doing what you’ve always wanted. There will never be a “right” time where you feel comfortable because risk is always uncomfortable. It doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. It doesn’t mean you’ll be successful. It’s not even a gaurantee it will make you happy. But, that’s not the point of a dream, is it? A dream is about experience. About reaching farther than you thought could and getting to live what you thought wasn’t possible.

One of the most exciting days of my life was when the sign went up.

We all have those little whispers of dreams we’ve always wanted to chase. We blurt out “I don’t know” when asked because saying the words outloud make them real. If you speak them, you have this internal responsibility to do something with the knowledge. And if you consider it, it usually means you invite fear and doubt to start listing off all the reasons you aren’t worthy. My advice is to invite them in. Let those worries list of all the reasons and acknowledge all those things could be true. But then you tell yourself you know the one important thing that trumps any of those claims — YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are capable. You deserve to live your fullest life.

Are you ready to start chasing a dream? Listen to that little voice and answer, “What have you always wanted to do?” Because I’m here to tell you, no matter how difficult, how challenging, or how exhausting, when you start on that path towards your dream, you won’t want to look back. You’ll be too busy enjoying the new view of where you’ve always wanted to be.

Showing My Gratitude

Several years ago, I made a New Year’s resolution to document every day on Instagram for an entire year. Annual resolutions were not new to me. I had done them for years. However, this was the first one that required a daily activity. My idea was to capture a moment of every day so I wouldn’t forget a single memory of what I wanted to be a spectacular year. I discovered not every day is spectacular. Or so I thought. Recently, when I decided to revive my personal Instagram account, I scrolled through all those old pictures and what a flood of memories it brought back.

I remembered my worry about taking on such a big project. Was I really going to finish it? A picture a day doesn’t seem so hard. That is until you reach day 23 and you realize you don’t have an action packed life needing daily documentation. What’s a good photo when you spent the day binge watching Dexter in your pajamas? A picture of the tv screen, of course. (Yep, that’s actually one of them.) There’s also the realization other people are looking at what you’re posting so you would like something kind of interesting. Some days, I waited so long for something remarkable to happen, I ended up with nothing. I had to pull myself out of bed at night to get in that daily post. There might have been a few throw away photos in the dark on those nights. Surprisingly, when reminisced through them, even those shots were fun to remember.

Then I remembered the rush of pride I felt when I completed the challenge. Not being one who always finishes my projects, there was magic in those 365 pictures. A true sense of accomplishment when I look back on what I captured from day to day. Not to mention all the moments I was able to relive again. Those small things my brain can’t keep in its limited storage. Those pictures reminded me of the life I lived that year.

I wondered if I could do it again. My life is so different now. I have even less variety in my daily activities than when there was “full time” family and a “regular” job. There’s a business Instagram that gets all my baking accomplishments, so I wouldn’t even have that to pull from now. I also don’t like repeats. How unoriginal is to actually copy yourself? But I couldn’t escape the little voice in my head saying I need this. Being back on the cusp of a year that will bring even more spectacular changes, I know the 365 picture a day challenge is the perfect way to document them.

With all the new work I’ve done on my soul, I wanted this goal to have a little more purpose. In a passing moment, I watched a bird jumped from branch to branch in a tree. Inspiration finally hit! For next year, each day I will take a photo to document my gratitude. This focus requires me to look for something new every day in which I am grateful. Gratitude is one of those things that can keep anyone grounded and in a place of peace. How wonderful would it be to capture something every day that brings a smile and lights up my heart?

Then I thought bigger. What if my gratitude brings a smile to someone else’s face who happens to scroll past it? What if my friends participated and I was able to see each day for what they are grateful? Excitement buzzed through me at the idea of all the warmth and good our timelines could bring to each other versus the overwhelming noise.

Here I am, asking you to join my challenge. I want you to find your gratitude every day with me. As I discovered before, it doesn’t have to be perfect. Some days you may just be grateful you made the bed. Hell, it might be 10 different days there is a picture of your bed. But the reason you are grateful for it might change, or maybe not. This isn’t about doing it perfect. It’s about doing good in the world.

If you are interested in joining me, and probably seeing a lot of photos of my cats, #365gratitude2021 is the one I’ll be using. It’s a clean slate and will link all of us in this challenge. Making sure I use the hashtag every time is another story. Ha! I told you this isn’t perfection.

The real goal is even if 2021 faces similar challenges as 2020 did, we will have something wonderful. We will have 365 documented moments in that year where our gratitude outshined our difficulties. We will have 365 glimpses of where there is light in all darkness. We will have 365 reasons to why 2021 was a pretty spectacular year after all.

Well Played, Queen’s Gambit

There’s been so much talk about the Netflix show, The Queen’s Gambit, I know I will hardly say anything new. Like millions of other people, I devoured the episodes in one day. Since then, I haven’t stopped thinking about it. Which got me wondering why everyone is so in love with a show about a female chess player. While I can’t answer for everyone, I know for me it was the beautiful darkness woven into every scene. Even more than that, it was the fact the show kept things messy. The writer’s restraint not to wrap up every loose end in Beth’s world inspires people with flaws can still see successes.

The main character suffers great tragedy early in life when her mother commits suicide and she is left at an orphanage. It is the place where she learns about chess from the brash janitor who works in the basement. From there we see her grow into an extraordinarly talented chess player and a complex woman. The story takes her to playing the most famous chess players in the world and fighting for the world title.

Who knew chess could be so exciting? That seems to be the common statement people make after watching the show. Great story telling can make any topic riveting. Every detail was considered in this show even down to the Beth’s wardrobe in wearing checks and plaids to mimic the chess board. Visually, the show is stunning. The contrast of her bright red hair to the muted backgrounds. Intense close ups of fingers gliding pieces and plucking them from the board. The enormous chessboard and pieces on the ceiling in her drug enduced haze. It was the larger than life pieces jetting around frantically that took my breath away. The haunting images providing a glimpse inside Beth’s head.

While her awkward charm and stunning beauty make her interesting to watch, it’s the messy that sucked me in. When things become difficult or feelings too intense, she retreats to her addictions of pills, alcohol, and chess. She sometimes makes sober choices. She sometimes has several week binges where she literally falls down. The way in which she bounces back and forth to try to fill the voids felt so relatable. I completely understood when she’d drink herself to blackout to avoid the loneliness of walking around her empty house.

Who hasn’t been here at one time or another?

Beth’s relationships are complicated. She knowingly takes to bed the wrong people and tries to force relationships when feelings aren’t there. She falls in love with a person who isn’t available and punishes both of them because of it. When her janitor mentor dies, there’s no big scene preceeding where she tells him how he changed the course of her life. Instead, she’s left with the unresolved feelings of missed opportunities to express gratitude. Her not reaching out tell him is the same tragic tale we all face when we assume we have more only to find we don’t.

The Queen’s Gambit doesn’t hold back in tragedy, heartbreak, persistence, and obsession. Beth never takes the cliche role of being a “good girl” to be successful and she never apologizes for being driven. She’s confident, works hard, makes mistakes, shoots herself in the foot several times metaphorically, and still pushes on to become the best. It was in all her messiness that I saw a piece of me. Driven to keep moving forward while sometimes falling down horribly.

The greatest lesson in the Queen’s Gambit is there are some moments where you have to lay down your king and resign. You pause for a moment and reflect on what you would have done differently. Then, you reset the board and play again.

Staying Present

As I mentioned last week, I was first introduced to Eckart Tolle in Oprah’s Super Soul podcast. I was eager to skip over reading his book The New Earth and just get to the meat of each chapter in the podcast’s breakdown. (Side note: I did go back and read the book.) The book’s message is about putting your ego in check and realizing who you actually are, ie your soul. This is a very simplified explanation for a complex book. While listening to the podcast, some of the messages I understood quickly. Others, I had to relisten at least 3 times before I could even imagine it. The idea I embraced the most was when he talked about not getting caught up in past failures or worries about the future. Instead, Tolle says, the only true thing you can do is stay present.

This concept was a lifeline because I had been drowing in a year of past life punishment and worries about what will happen down the road. How could I give all that up to stay in this moment? It seemed ridiculous, to be honest, because it was so engrained in who I was. During February, I followed Tolle’s guidance of appreciating nature and concentrating on my breath when I started to get caught up in drama. The month was going well for my business so the staying present stuff seemed pretty easy. Future expectations started to be exciting again versus the constant dread I was used to. By month’s end, I broke even with sales for the first time since opening. My hopes surged with ideas of the momentum building and successful growth. This staying present thing was pretty simple when I had a future to look forward.

I envisioned lines out the door and daily orders coming in for cakes. We’d have to make three cakes at a time to keep up with demand. It wouldn’t be long before the income was steady and in six months I imagined writing myself my first paycheck. My mood increased to hopeful and even confident. All my fears were falling away. Finally, I was turning a real corner. Then…(dramatic music)…Covid.

Two weeks later, the movie theater next to my store closed. Then, the newly opened restaurant that promised to bring even more foot traffic, closed as well. All the future expectations slipped from my finger tips. Those once dreamed about lines out the door reduced to 2 people a day. Big cake orders disappeared as weddings were canceled. No reason for birthday cakes when no one could get together to celebrate.

Patience has never been my strong point. It’s one of the reasons I struggled so much the first year in business. I wanted success and I wanted it immediately. Even though I didn’t admit it. Not even to myself. I assumed the first year would be difficult, but in all honesty I didn’t imagine it would be THAT hard. There I was, finally tasting a morsal of a success, and it disappeared like Thanos snapped his fingers. I asked the universe to give me patience thinking it would keep away the anxiety that overwhelmed me in 2019. I should have listened more closely to Oprah’s podcast that said, “When you ask the universe for patience, it can’t give you patience like a superpower. Instead, it presents situations to which you can build your skill.”

My anxiety wiggled its little voice back into my head. “What are you going to do now?” “Everyone is going out of business.” “How could you have made all those bad decisions?” “This is going to be the final nail in your coffin.” It was in one of those moments where I finally took a deep breath and really thought about it. With the smooth inhale, my should shoulders rose. My back straightened. My lungs filled. Then the slow release of exhale. My body decompressed. The air melodic. I felt all the life coursing through my limbs.

The sky captures my imagination almost every day now.

I continued breathing for a good five minutes and sat still in the silence. Afterwards, I walked outside and let the sunshine warm my face. The sky was more blue and glorious than I had ever really appreciated. The wind rustling through the trees. As I soaked in the sun in my present moment, I realized Covid was the opportunity for me to learn patience. Nothing else could be done but to stay in the day I was living and to appreciate every moment. I finally experienced what it meant to be present.

In the many months of Covid, I have not closed my store or laid off my employees. Instead, we’ve adjusted hours, completed trainings, and even got to things I had put off for the first year. Some days produced so little, there’s hardly any point in being opened. Those are tough mental days, but my reaction stays the same. My breathing meditation included focusing on the word “Trust” on the inhale and “Surrender” on the exhale. The store remains open for my community and my employees. To give them a constant in a time of uncertainty. When worries about the future want to overwhelm, I bring myself back to today.

Being present expands far beyond my work life now. I incorporate it into my personal living. When I talk with my teenage children, I soak in the way their eyes widen when telling a story, the small corner smiles when they burn me with saying I’m a “Facebook mom” and the way they glow when they burst into laughter. I feel so much of it, I almost start to cry. Crying for those moments I missed by being worried with what I had to do next. I only allow those concerns to be brief because they also cloud the perfection of the moment.

The intention on being present is impossible to do all the time. I fall back into old patterns by beating myself up for past mistakes or worry about how I will pay for my mortgage at month’s end. However, this year of Covid taught me more patience than I have ever experienced before. I try to stay in each moment and appreciate what it’s giving me. I work my hardest to be the best I can be today and grateful for the opportunity. When that moment becomes the past, I smile because I was truly there for it. I know with all my heart it will bring the future I am meant to experience.

Oprah’s Super Soul Saved Mine

In February 2020, I experienced a major shift in my new life. Bestie found a 10-week podcast series on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday where Eckart Tolle and Oprah were breaking down his book, The New Earth, chapter by chapter. Eureka! I didn’t even have to read the book because they were giving a Cliff Notes version. Although, I kinda rolled my eyes and gave some lame excuses about not being into podcasts. Bestie encouraged I could listen while baking. We could discuss the topic each week over breakfast burritos. Knowing my weakness to a great breakfast burrito, I said I would give it a try.

In a time where it was difficult to find interest in anything, I listened to the first three episodes the first night. Then I tried to move up our breakfast date so we could talk about it as soon as possible. I devoured the next seven before we even discussed the second chapter. All these new thoughts activated something in me. They raised questions I hadn’t really asked myself before. They questioned why I wanted to hold onto my pain instead of looking for purpose. Their conversations were a sudden alarm blarring “what is your purpose?”

While I waited for Bestie to catch up, I started scrolling through all the archived podcasts. There had to be atleast 70. If Tolle’s interview had provoke questions, what would the others do? How would their experiences effect how I saw the world? The first one happened to be Brene Brown. I was already a huge Brene Brown fan with her vulnerability research and thought it was a good way to dip more of my foot into the podcast water. Oprah and Brene fangirling over each brought a smile to my face. Then they mixed in difficult truths about vulnerability and spirituality in a way like they were talking directly for my benefit.

I went up the list from there. There were conversations with music artists, Haulocost survivors, CEOS, and clergy. At first I skipped the pastors and nuns for fear of being back in Catholic catacism. No matter which podcast I chose, everyone brought a riveting story. Each person shared their struggles, their hardships, and their persistence to push through. They discussed their spirituality, coping mechanisms, and gratitude for everything they had, even when that was almost nothing at all. I sobbed while rolling out croissant dough each morning when they talked about a belief in better things coming. My heart swelled with admiration and desire when their voices beamed with the authentic selves they found along the way. I envied their faith. I coveted their joy. I sought their hope.

I listened to every podcast Super Soul Sunday has on Spotify, including all the nuns, pastors, and reverands. Twice actually. I’m on my third listens now. I tell everyone about the podcast when they notice my much improved disposition. Each podcast significantly different, but with the same theme — great hardship and perserverance. Each person faced their own setbacks, some far more tragic than others, but each of them continued towards their true self.

It is their stories through Oprah’s podcast that changed my entire outlook on life. Their experiences, losses, and triumphs all reminded me I have the same ability. Their teachings got me to meditate, stay present in the moment, and be grateful for everything. Any time, I start with my old thinking habits, I turn on one of the podcasts for a pep talk about how they overcame adversity and far exceeded anything they ever imagined.

The main thing I heard in all their stories is it wasn’t easy. They had to work by digging deep and really looking at what is important. Some interviews were heartbreaking well past the point of what many people could endure. The common experience of pain and their brave endurence showed me I too could do anything if I believed I was worth it.

Without Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday podcasts, I’m not sure where my mind, heart, and soul would be. They have completely changed how I see and interact with the world. Each podcast inspires to do something more. Each one cheering to find purpose. Each one pointing out we are all connected. In the end, each one told the same story. My soul is pretty super after all.

Hitting Rock Bottom

There’s something that rings false about the saying “hitting rock bottom” when you’re in a downward spiral. It assumes there IS a bottom when it comes to your human psyche. I imagine it like those old cartoons where the coyote falls from a cliff and keeps bouncing back and forth from rock to rock. He finally smashes against a final one, relaxes, and sighs with relief the pain is over. Then a small crack starts, the rock starts to slide, and it breaks away only to plummet again. I believe there is no real rock bottom. There is only the moment when you decide you want the pain to stop.

The idea of hitting this life altering point instead of choosing it already sets up the journey as if you had no control. You smack against a hard moment and there’s an unconscious decision to change direction so you don’t hit it again? How very rat in a maze that sounds. And so fucking false. When I was making bad decisions last year, I crashed against many brick walls. How was I to know which one was actually “rock bottom?” People will say “well, it’s the last one, of course.” If that was true, it discounts all the hard work I did in really looking at my life and finally having enough self-worth to say, “I want better than this.”

For me, the realization came after saying for months and months “Why can’t one thing be easy for me?” I should correct that to I wasn’t saying it, I was whining it repeatedly. Even though I made no changes to my mindset or actions, I thought somehow the universe owed me something easy. In my dark night of the soul, I cried and cried until I finally admitted I needed help. I relinquished ego and called my mother. As I sobbed uncontrollably, she was kind, caring, and understanding. In that phone call she made it so easy. The universe delivered my one easy thing.

I realized I needed to accept responsibility for all the things that brought me to a place I didn’t want to be. It didn’t matter what I felt had been done to me in the previous year. The story of being wronged played in my head on a continuous loop and only propagated the thought I didn’t deserve it. (Insert movie clip of Clint Eastwood from Unforgiven saying “Deserve’s got nothing to do with it.”) I had to make the conscious decision not to be miserable any more. It required giving up my anger, jealousy, and thinking I could control everything. I unclenched my hold on so much pain and released what I thought life was supposed to be.

I started with small steps like never asking for anything easy again. I removed relationships that didn’t support a hopeful future. I held myself accountable for choices by asking “is this who I want to be?” For months my goal wasn’t to be happy, it was just not to be miserable any more. Small changes created positive impacts. The most surprising was relief. Giving up the thought I could control everything removed a huge burden from my shoulders. I was able to breathe again and it made me curious to what more could be out there. Finally, hope peeked its way back into my new life.

Don’t get me wrong, changes are never easy. It’s a daily struggle to keep my mind in check. We hate to admit there’s a comfort in being miserable and blaming other people for it. It’s easy. It keeps us from really having to look at ourselves and the role we play in it. I used to give the advice, “when you make someone a villain, you make yourself the victim.” I didn’t want to be a victim any more, so I had to let go of any villains I created in my story. I replaced hate with empathy and anger with gratitude.

If you’re waiting for rock bottom to inspire change, you may be waiting for awhile. We all know one can continue to make bad choices for a lifetime. We also don’t have to wait for our situation to be dire before correcting a self-harming behavior. All you have to do is ask yourself today, “is this the person I always dreamed of being?” If the answer is no, then stop what you’re doing. Make the decision to change one thing in your life to alter your course. Then it’s one foot in front of the other. Choice by choice. You’ll soon discover it wasn’t rock bottom you needed to transform, it was only the belief you could do it.

Dark Night of the Soul

There’s been a huge time gap on this little ole blog, hasn’t there? I could make up stories of working so hard on my bakery business or just being too darn busy, but the true reality is I lost it in 2019. I lost my mind and maybe a little bit of my soul. That’s not exactly true and yet, sometimes, it feels it is. The vulnerable truth is I lost me.

At the end of 2018, I lost three male relationships which were extremely important to my soul. A best friend ghosted. My ex-husband moved on to another love. My dad died. All that took place in the span of one month. Three very important men vanished and I wasn’t quite sure what do to with myself. I was quitting my steady career to take the huge risk of opening my own business and had no male figures to tell me it was all going to be okay.

It’s hard to admit I relied so heavily on male validation for my choices. I stood proud in being an independent female thinker who had no problem standing on her own two feet. That engrained need for confirmation was hightlighted when they all were gone in a flash. The ugly truth is I made terrible choices on my own in an act of defiance to their abandoning me. Those decisions only harmed my psyche more with confirming I needed a man to be okay. Anger, hatred, and rage tried to cover my hurt, heartbreak, and grieving. Instead of feeling my pain, I distracted myself with fancy cocktails, toxic relationships, and decadent food. I may go into more detail in future blogs if I keep this up or I may let it rest in the past. What I do know is from January 2019 through September 2019, I was in the “dark night of the soul.”

I used to only know “dark night of the soul” as a writing technique. I studied a screenwriting book that referenced it as when your main character reaches the lowest point of their life. It looks so dire, they may even consider suicide to escape the mess they are in. Every main character needs it if they’re going to make it to the next transition. Outside of writing tropes, Eckhart Tolle says, “It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything,” which describes it perfectly. There I was, in the darkest night for nine months.

I lost my purpose, my trust in the universe, and my faith in things working out. Worries about money, loneliness, and what the fuck happened to my once seemingly good life kept my brain buzzing. Anxiety and jealousy reached such a high level, I didn’t sleep for a month. Even flashes of suicide seemed like a realistic solution to my never ending problems. The truest dark night.

I tell you all this not for your sympathy, but to let you know this dark night is an integral part of an incredible change. Some things must die for new things to be born. In story writing, the dark night represents when our main character digs down deep, reviews all the lessons they’ve learned and heads into the climax with renewed hope to face the opposition. While my life doesn’t end in a few chapters, this is exactly what is happening to me. My dark night awoke something. An invigorated energy to face my demons and to come out victorious.

I haven’t even come close to reaching a place where I feel stable, but I learned I need to trust. Trust myself that I am capable of functioning as an individual. Trust my decisions by being proud of my successes AND failures. And to trust the Universe that this is part of my journey and things will work out.

In 2020, I learned so many lessons about faith, love, and perserverance, I decided to come back to this blog to share them with you. Hoping you might understand as I work through the process or maybe even relate a bit. Most of all, I want you to know no matter how dark your night gets, a new day brings the brightest light. That light is hope. And it’s all going to be okay.

Taking on Tinder

There comes a moment when you are newly single where everyone in the world seems to ask you the question “when are you going to start dating?”  During “fake divorce” no one asked this question because we all thought we knew the situation.  After “real divorce” took hold, the inquiry took on a new life.  People seemed to forget I started dating my ex-husband when I was 18 and even before that I only had a couple boyfriends.  This was a completely new area for me where I had no experience.   In fact, I didn’t even know where to start.

It seemed unlikely to meet someone substantial trolling bars on weekends in a drunken haze, not that I snubbed my nose at the fun downtown experience.  Although, I do see it probably doesn’t have the responsible intellect I’m looking to have in my life.  I also could never go the route like Ex by picking up a 30 year old love-of-my-life at the  workplace.  The phrase “never shit where you eat” is burned into my brain for that kind of non-sense and it really leads to too many ethical dilemmas for my taste.  A couple girlfriends suggested Tinder and Bumble for the jump off point.  Tinder was for hook ups and Bumble was if I wanted something real.  Since I wasn’t sure of what I wanted, I decided to enlist in both.

Let me first tell you, the idea there are more respectable dating potentials on Bumble is false.  Both sites are relatively the same in how they present and what people expect.  One guy I met on Bumble said he “swiped right” on every woman with the hopes someone would message him so he could score a quickie when passing through new towns.  He did get points for honesty even though I left our conversation a little horrified.

Here’s a glimpse at pictures I used for my profile.  While I tried to pick realistic selfies, I also wanted body shots so these dudes knew they were getting a plus size girl.  Also, no filters. Why false advertise?

The first time I opened a Tinder profile, I didn’t know which way to swipe.  I ended up liking all sorts of dudes I didn’t want.  In a panic, I deleted the app immediately and hid my phone for a few hours like they had a tracker on it.  When I gave it another go, I didn’t really know what to look for in searching for a potential date.  It didn’t take long to pick up things I liked (a well written bio) and things I didn’t (naked chest selfies in the bathroom mirror.)  Here are a few things I learned along the way that will hopefully make your first experience with on line dating apps a little easier.

Ready to Scroll:

While on-line dating apps may seem like an easy concept, you quickly learn it’s quite overwhelming and complex.  For one, the apps only pull profiles from the area you are in at that moment.  So if you’re traveling and located 1000 miles away from home, you are only going to see potentials in that town you will probably never visit again.  I’ve been burned several times by men who were traveling through So. Oregon.  They were cool with looking in this area, engaging in a chatting relationship, but then it fizzled when dates were few and far between.

Another thing to remember is some key differences between how the two programs are set up.  To view a Bumble profile, you scroll up.  But be careful  because swiping up in Tinder creates a “Super Like.”  I can’t tell you how many times I screamed “No, no, no!” after Super Liking someone I wouldn’t even like a little.

Weeding through Profiles:

My Cool Cousin (CC) gave me some great tips about profiles and I’m going share her wisdom with you in a shortened version.

• No picture/Body shot with no head/pictures of inanimate objects/memes = Married.  Sometimes they will say in the profiles they’re looking for an affair, but even if not, know they are hiding their identity for a reason.  CC made an excellent point of “Don’t you think their wife recognizes the bathroom she probably cleans all the time in the background of their mirror body shot?” Obviously strong critical thinking skills are not these men’s strengths.
• Self-Employed/School of Hard Knocks= Unemployed/No education.  They may try to jazz it up with something fancy but it comes down to the same thing.  They have nothing to back up the category.  If job or education matters to you, just go ahead and pass on these.
• Keep the message simple = if you want sex, say it.  There’s no reason to beat around the bush (literally…ha!)  If you’re only on the site for hook ups, put it in your bio.  When CC utilized Tinder, she even got down in the nitty-gritty by setting expectations of how many times a week for sexual encounters.  So many people write “looking for someone to have a good time with” which really gives a false impression.  They’re looking for someone to have a good time with that night.  Clearer communication will make the experience less disappointing and frustrating in the long run.

Swipe Away:

Tinder and Bumble are both set up with the format of swiping the picture to the right if a “yes” and to the left if a “no.”  If the other party has also liked your profile, when you swipe to the right you will get this affirming message of “It’s a Match!”  Be warned, this is where this process starts to wear on your self-worth.  You can match with someone and they may never write you back.  Or you could think “Hey, this cute guy is attracted to me” and then his opening line is “Do you like to suck big dick?”  Since people usually scan through profiles when bored or lonely, you can quickly become addicted to needing the “match” validation.  Remember to keep focused on what you want, not what you can get.

Ready to Message:

At first, I didn’t understand why men would say “I want to meet right away to see if there’s a connection” or “no pen pals.”  I thought it was so rude to say you didn’t have time to chat a little before meeting in person.  After talking with a few potentials I swiped on, I realized exactly why this happens.  People want to fill their boredom or loneliness by talking to someone who is interested in them.  It fulfills a need for intimacy without any real effort.   You can be sexting in no time.  Just know, in the end, it’s a huge time waster.  If you’re really trying to find a connection with someone, set up the date to meet like normal people once did.

Extra Motherly Warnings to Remember (that I most likely didn’t follow):

• People lie
• Meet in a public place
• They’re putting their best foot forward
• They want to have sex with you immediately
• They will say anything to have sex with you immediately
• People use people
• Don’t rush into trusting
• If not great, move on quickly

Those things may seem obvious, but dating changes a person.  It can increase confidence when you find several people are interested or decrease it when you can’t even get a nibble on the line.  You may be wondering what kind of people did I meet.   Do you?  Are you wondering?   Never fear, those highlights are coming up in the nex bloge and they may even include a date showing up in a sloth onesie. (True story.)  As for now, happy hunting, I mean swiping and good luck finding a fantastic match.

Getting Over by Getting Under

In the weeks following the collapse of what I thought was my world, I received the sage advice of “to get over someone, you have to get under someone.” People drop this saying like it’s so easy to have sex with someone new after getting out of a long time relationship.  For me, this was one of the scariest things about “real divorce.”

Fun fact about Susan — I had only had sex with one man in my life.  This revelation always brought gasps from my girlfriends, so I kept this piece of knowledge as my dirty little secret.  “Don’t you wonder what it’s like to have sex with someone else?” they would say.  And the answer was no, I really didn’t.  When I found out Ex had been physical with his new girlfriend, I knew our sex life was over.  Fear struck me with the very real concern and possibility no one else would ever want to have sex with me.  While some of you may laugh that off as ridiculous, I’m sure some can relate.  With my insecurity about body issues, who would find me attractive?  Especially naked?!?

The anxiety is only made worse with the desperate need to be wanted after facing such a serious rejection.  In my situation, the man who said he would love me forever was now touching a thinner body and 14 years younger than the one who bore his children.  He didn’t want me. And this was a time I desperately needed to be wanted.

Selfies become profile pictures and on-line dating previews.

I chose an on-line path.  There’s a feeling of safety with a screen in between. If you don’t want to share your body, you log off.  I didn’t go the typical thing with Tinder or Bumble. (That comes later.)  Instead, I went to Twitter where I had a community who cared for me.  In fact on a day where I was heartbroken and drunk, people I have never met reached out to me to check if my vague emo tweets represented something deeper.  From there, I fed on attention from men who had never seen me in real life, but gushed compliments over selfies I sent.  They oooh’d and ahhh’d to fill the gaping hole rejection made. They declared they wanted to live in my small town so we could have passionate sex any time because they wanted me AND my body. Their huge statements eased my lonliness.  Bestie started calling it Twinder since I could meet men easily there.  It jump-started me to believe maybe my fear of a celibate life wasn’t reality at all.

I desired their attention.  I dabble in sexting to fill my need for sensuality.  It was a new thing I had never really done.  I used to think it seemed stupid. Color me surprised (and flushed) when I realized how erotic it turned out to be. You can compare it to a “choose you own adventure” romance novel style. I felt some power in being able to decide when I wanted sexual attention and the ability to get it immediately.  The no strings and the lack of real connection was a bonus.  I wanted nothing to do with a boyfriend. Or feelings. Or anything where my heart could be hurt more.  I only wanted sex.

Grab your pearls! Shocking, I know. Women can enjoy sex and want it a lot.

I allowed this to go on for a few months.  Interesting discoveries were made.  The first was men were not repulsed by seeing parts of my body.  True, I was able to angle cleavage and control headless risque shots, but there were still compliments and requests for more.  Second, I saw dicks.  All sorts of different ones. This was a new world for me and I was as curious as a 16 year old girl.  Some of you might hate the idea, but for me it was an education.  It allowed me to feel more empowered and less fearful. What was big? Are they.really all that different? I embraced my sexuality. No apologies for being sexually driven and seeing it as a prioroty in my life. Third, even with the screen, it didn’t stop complex feelings from happening. I had a friend with benefits where we had open and honest conversations about sex.  Usually it’s me asking him all sorts of sex questions since I don’t have to worry about inappropriate now.  We’re respectful of each other we’ve continued to build our friendship. Another man said he loved me after 2 weeks, which was ridiculous.  But I didn’t stop it.  (Shocking, he immediately fell out of love with me when another on-line lady asked him to visit her.  He never left and we’ve never spoken again.) Then there was one I cared for even though we weren’t healthy for each other.  With him, I wondered what real life would look like together even though there was little chance. Our conversations ended suddenly when his mental health suffered.  I still miss him.

The reality of on-line relationships is the fact they are built with fantasy.  These men don’t see when I lose my temper or wake up with a swollen face from crying.  They only see what I allow them and they fill it in with what they want. While there’s potential to meet someone special, without the actual face to face contact, you’ll never know if it’s possible.

Some people would say on-line relationships are not real and that’s where I 100% disagree.  These men gave me something no one else could at those very dark days.  Their lust gave me hope.  And while that might seem sad, it’s the most real thing I’ve said in a long time.  Their words made me feel desirable and attractive.  Things I needed more than anything after hours of relentless self-loathing.  My thoughts about how my Ex was kissing and penetrating someone else consumed every moment there was silence in my head.  These men offered more than compliments, they gave me some peace.

What I discovered is there is some truth to the advice I was given.  It wasn’t that I had to literally get under someone to help ease the pain, but having a distraction sure saved my life.  I tell you all this because there should be no shame in how we try to heal.  Divorce and rejection damage you to the core and anything that offers some relief should be embraced.  You should welcome whatever you need to feel good.  Women shouldn’t judge each other for these choices and my friends didn’t.  They listened, encouraged, and shared in the experience.  They understood there was power in me making decisions of what I wanted in that moment.  I won’t hide the steps I took.  Because each one is in the right direction to becoming human again.  And no matter what you chose to do, the courage to move forward should always be supported and applauded.